...how to set healthy boundaries

One of the things I like about using the methology and ideology of TA is that it's not about right and wrong. It's about what is helpful or healthy for you. And acceptance that even though I as a counsellor or coach might see a patter that I think is not very healthy or helpful for you, it is utlimatly up to you to decide if you are ready for any changes or if you want to make a change at all.

I could then mirror back to you that I am experiencing a contradictory behavior with what you are saying. And then the conversation may be about that reflection rather than persuading you to change your decision. Because it's not about me, or you doing what I want or think you "shouls" do. It's about you learning to be more authentic; that what you say, what you feel and what you do are in line with each other. Then things will feel more peaceful and natural.

Knowing your signals and being mature enough to understand them is not always easy, though.

Learning to read you physical, emotional and mental signals helps you to see and know where you boundaries actually are.

If you learn to read them and, above all, listen to them, you will not only find it easier to know your own boundaries with yourself, but also to set boundaries when others are barging in without sensitivity or considerations.

Here are 3 ways I do that helps me to start paying closer attention to my signals:

1. Breathing: Take a few minutes a few times a day, to take a few deep breaths to just becoming more aware of yourself.

• You can simply breath slowly in and out through your nose for 20-30 seconds, or

• you can inhale through your nose counting to 4, filling your lungs completely, holding your breath while counting to seven and then exhale through your mounth and making a "shhhh" sound while counting to 8 (This exercise is called: 4-7-8)

2. Body Scan: Before you go to bed, see if you can find a Body Scan on some music streaming app that you like. This can help you become more aware of your bodily tensions you might have. It also helps with focusing on the here and now.

3. Reflection with intention of learning: After an unwanted situation has occurred, sit down alone (with a pen and paper) asking yourself some Adult questions. Asking questions form an Adult Ego State are neutral, data collecting, adiquate, direct, emotionless and judgefree.

• "What was it that happened?" Try to ask as specific questions as possible. Dig deeper if you feel there is more answer to get by asking follow up questions.

• "Where in my body did I feel a signal? Did I have different signals in different parts of my body?" Name them, describe them as much as you can.

• "What happened with my ability to think, make decisions, fend for myself, holding up my boundaries?"

• "Looking back on the situation, what do I wish I would have done differently?" Do this without judgement, just for collecting data and as a learning opportunity for another time.

• "What was my part in this situation? Did we play a game? if yes, what role did I have in the Drama Triangle? what game did we play? what payoff was I (unconsciously) looking for? In which Ego State was I in during this situation? Was I in a Driver? Which one? What are the evidence that I was in that Driver?

• Sometimes you might need a long time before you are ready to take a closer look at a situation, depending on how hurtful it was.
  

So you see, this is not a quick fix. But once you start noticing your physical, mental and emotional boundaries and limits, you won't have to put in much effort into holding them up, you will show them authentically with how you carry yourself. And when someone crosses them, it will feel natural to voice that.

Warm regards

Sara