...being able to say NO- guilt free?

Workshop on International Women's Day 2024

For a long time, I have considered organizing an event on International Women's Day, especially since I work with international women, but for various reasons, it never happened. This year, I decided to finally take the initiative – and realized that it didn't have to be so complicated. I wanted to create a space where women could come together, share their experiences, and learn from each other and win new information from the theory of Transactional Analysis that could help them in their lives. Many of my previous participants and clients had spoken about the need to establish healthy boundaries, which inspired the theme for our two-hour workshop: how to say no without feeling guilty.

This workshop was intended to offer a combination of personal reflection and group dialogue, as well as to provide participants with helpful tools to understand their own behavioral patterns and encourage them to try new approaches. I consulted with some colleagues in Sweden to fine-tune the content, hoping to spark a desire and interest among the participants to delve deeper in understanding themselves.

I offered nine spots, and I was deeply moved that all were taken. Honestly, I had not expected such a high level of interest, but after the touching and positive feedback I received about the depth of the content, the quality of the questions, and my way of leading the workshop, I want to invite more people and offer more time in the future.

My work is not limited to superficial observations; instead, I strive to explore deeper issues and ponder the underlying reasons for our behaviors and emotions. I am convinced that when participants become aware of the root causes of their patterns and problem areas, they will see things more objectively and will have better possibilities to find personal solutions that fit them. As a coach and counselor, it is neither my role nor my goal to deliver ready-made answers, but rather to support the participants' or clients' own process toward insight. By providing tools for self-understanding, I hope they will have the opportunity to view themselves from new perspectives – and the decision to embrace these new insights is entirely up to them.

During the workshop, I introduced the participants to three key concepts from Transactional Analysis (TA): Ego States, Drivers, and the Drama Triangle. These concepts were chosen because they provide deep insights into our internal psychological processes and offer a framework for the possibility to understand and change our thought-, emotional- and behavioral patterns and the way we interact with others.

Ego States help us identify which parts of our personality (Parent, Adult and Child Ego State) are controlling our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in different situations. By understanding when we are acting from our Parent, Adult, or Child Ego State, we can start navigating our relationships and communication (including self-talk) in a more conscious manner.

Drivers are the subconscious messages that shape our actions and attitudes. They are a way for us to maintain a core belief of being "okay" but only if we live up to the Drivers. The Drivers comes with the believe that we are required to do certain things to be accepted by the world around us. The five Drivers we discussed were:

1. Be Perfect: Encourages striving for perfection at any cost.

2. Be Strong: Conveys the need to hide emotions and show strength.

3. Hurry Up: Creates a constant sense of urgency and stress.

4. Try Hard: Encourages continuous hard work, often without recognition.

5. Please Others: Drives the individual to always put others first, which can undermine personal boundaries.
   

On the other hand, the Drama Triangle focuses on the roles we assume in conflict situations: the Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer, and to get an unconscious payout in the form of negative confirmation of our existential position in life. Understanding these roles can help us break negative patterns and create healthier dynamics in our relationships.

After presenting these concepts, the participants were given the chance to reflect in pairs on how they could relate to them based on their own experiences. This exercise aimed to provide them an opportunity to see how these theoretical concepts manifest in their daily lives and affect their ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Through these reflections, it became clear to many that their difficulties in setting boundaries could often be traced back to their Drivers and their Rescuer role in the Drama Triangle.

Getting to know these concepts not only provided the participants with new vocabulary but also a framework for better understanding their own behavioral patterns and relational dynamics. This increased self-awareness is the first step towards being able to change unwanted behaviors and build stronger, more respectful relationships both with oneself and with others, and to be able to do what the workshop was about - to say no without feeling guilty.

A big thanks to all the women who participated in this workshop. I hope that we will meet again.

Sara Thulin